In Which Squirrelboy is a College Student, And I'm Not Done Parenting, But Basically Done Blogging

Squirrelboy is now about halfway through his first semester of college. I won't give you details about how his experience has been because, well, he's an adult, and it just feels a little weird to post about his school experiences at this point.

When I started this blog my kids were in 3rd and 9th grade. Now Kittygirl is in 7th grade and Squirrelboy is a freshman in college. The blog was a great way to force myself to get back to writing regularly after a long hiatus. I was even able to help some people recognize dyslexia and/or ADHD in their kids. I helped some other people learn more about diabetes and get a taste of what it's like to live with diabetes.

But I think this blog has outlived its purpose. I may still post my Valentines Day reflections here because it's a nice way to share them with a wider range of people, but outside of that I don't plan to post anymore.

Here are my thoughts on signing off. Raising kids is hard. Raising kids with a disability of any kind is even harder. You know what's even harder, though? Actually having said disability. We can empathize with our kids. We can understand what they're going through in a way most outsiders can't. But in the end we still can't see into their hearts and minds. Even though I also have ADHD I still don't really know what it's like for Squirrelboy to have ADHD, let alone both ADHD and dyslexia. Even though I've done about a million site changes now and calculated about a billion carbs, I still don't actually know what it's like for Kittygirl to have diabetes. I, along with other parents of kids diagnosed at a young age, can relate better than any other nondiabetic but it's still not my body. 

As I said, parenting is hard. Life in general is hard if you get right down to it. But not every moment of every day. There's also a lot of joy if you look for it. Even the darkest night of the year eventually ends in dawn. Even the hardest time in your life eventually passes. It may leave you with scars, sort of akin to how you'll still have a bruise from running into the bed, post on said darkest night (ask me how I know), but it won't always be so dark.

And through all of it, God will still be good. I've been through my fair share of hard times, many (though not all) since becoming a parent. Sometimes I have seriously doubted that last sentence. I can see how you might. But I've held onto it and it's always proven true. It doesn't take away the hard stuff, but it's a tiny pinprick of light in what can sometimes be unbearably oppressive darkness.

So goodbye my five or six faithful readers. Maybe I'll see you next Valentines Day, maybe not. Take care, love your kids with all your might, and always remember the pinprick of light in the darkness. And just because I can't leave without a photo, here are Kittygirl and Squirrelboy on Parents Weekend at his college. Well, not actually at his college. We spent very little time on campus because we have no interest in football. We took a cave tour not far from campus, which is where this photo was taken.

In Which My Kids are Getting More and More Independent, and I Don't Love It

When I started this blog back in the fall of 2019, Kittygirl was 8 and in third grade and Squirrelboy was 14 and a freshman in high school. Now Kittygirl is 12 years old and 4 weeks from finishing 6th grade and Squirrelboy is 18 years old and 27 days from his high school graduation.

They've both grown a lot in independence this year. Kittygirl is handling more and more of her day to day diabetes tasks. When I sent her to a sleepover birthday party in March, Mr. Engineer just spent a few minutes chatting with the parents about food and diabetes tech. We didn't feel the need to give them a crash course in diabetes education or set them up on the Dexcom Follow app.

Squirrelboy has grown in maturity in leaps and bounds his senior year. He's gotten his drivers license and is a responsible driver for the most part. In fact, in some ways he's a better driver than I am. He's grown tremendously as a student as well. Up until this spring semester he always wanted me to go over papers he wrote and often help him get started with writing assignments. But this semester a) he had one class that required weekly papers and the constant practice really helped him up his writing game and b) he discovered the college writing center and now finishes his papers early and sends them there for suggestions on how to make them the best they can be.

Since he turned 18, we've given Squirrelboy a lot of control over his finances, and he's more mature about that than the average American adult. He did research on his own and chose a mutual fund in which to invest some of his money. Mr. Engineer set up a checking account and a savings account for him at our bank. Squirrelboy decided to set up a second savings account that he's using specifically to set aside money for big things, like his backpacking trip to Glacier National Park this July.

He's not perfect. He's only 18, and he's still going to make some mistakes and make some choices that an older adult might have the experience and knowledge to avoid. But overall I feel like he's set up better for life than many other kids I've heard about on the cusp of adulthood. Not that that means Mr. Engineer and I have done everything right. Squirrelboy would be happy to tell you about all the mistakes we've made over the years. But overall the evidence indicates that we've done well. Squirrelboy is a genuinely kind and caring person. He wants to make a difference in the world. He takes responsibility for his actions. He loves Jesus. Any or all of those things could have not happened, especially with all the challenges life has thrown at Squirrelboy.

I have to admit, though, while I'm proud that Squirrelboy is becoming more and more responsible, I'm  a bit sad (okay, sometimes even really sad) that he doesn't need me like he did even six months ago. He used to often want me to come into his room while he did his work for "moral support". At the time I found it kind of annoying. Now I regret having that perspective because he doesn't want that anymore and I really miss it. I'm thankful though that he still regularly gives me hugs and tells me he loves me.

Kittygirl is so social I'm not sure she'll ever not want someone in the room when she's doing her schoolwork, but she's also quite independent already about completing it and, as I said at the beginning, she's taken over a lot of the responsibility for diabetes management. I still play a role, but I'm more of a coach at this point. In the early years I was basically a player on Team Diabetes despite not being diabetic myself.

Parenting is both joyful and challenging at all stages. This past fall I started working three days a week as a teacher in the 2s/3s classroom at a Mother's Day Out program. I love the MDO kids, but I'm really glad I only have them for five hours at a time three days a week. I would not want to be parenting littles at this stage in my life. That said, I would not have been ready to parent young adolescents and young adults ten years ago.

I don't think there's one easiest or hardest stage of parenting. Especially not one easy stage. They're pretty much all hard. And it doesn't magically end when they turn 18, especially not if they turn 18 when they're still in high school, as most often happens. But in addition to being hard, all the stages are also wonderful in some way. It's such a gift watching my kids figure out who they are and embrace it. It's hard too. Some of the things they have to embrace are things I wish they could escape the challenge of, like diabetes for Kittygirl and ADHD and dyslexia for Squirrelboy. But at the same time the things they've learned from living with their disabilities are part of what makes them the wonderful people they're becoming, and I wouldn't trade those people for the world.

Because I always like to include a photo, I'm including a photo of Kittygirl and Mr. Engineer packed for a scout campout this weekend. Squirrelboy is also camping, in a different place. He's testing out his new boots and backpack in preparation for a big backpacking trip this summer. 

In Which I Write Another Valentine's Day Reflection

Back in my youth last millennium, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and we walked uphill both ways to school in a blizzard, Valentine's Day activities fit in one of two categories. There was little kid Valentine's Day and there was couples Valentine's Day. If you were in preschool or elementary school, Valentine's Day was a day to decorate a cardboard "mailbox" and receive cute little valentines and maybe some candy from your classmates. If you were really lucky, the room mom might even organize a party with red punch and heart shaped cookies.  Once you left elementary school, Valentines Day was no longer for you until you were part of a couple.

If you don't count one blind double date with a friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's best friend and one guy I asked to a school dance, I didn't date in high school. I had two short lived relationships in college, and neither of them overlapped Valentines Day. That's why I decided to send out the first Valentines email over a quarter century ago, reclaiming the day as a day to celebrate love of all kinds including the love of friends, the love of family, and the love of God.

All these years later it turns out I wasn't so much an outside the box thinker as an ahead of the curve thinker. "Gal-entines Day" and "Pal-entines Day", celebrating friendships between women and friendships in general, respectively, are all the rage now. I have yet to see a "Family-entines Day" ad (how would you make that one rhyme? Fal-entines Day?, but it's probably just a matter of time.

Though our society still puts romantic love up on a pedestal it doesn't really belong on, I'm happy to see attitudes changing to recognize that other relationships are also extremely valuable. I love seeing homecoming and prom pictures that, instead of just a couple, often have groups of friends going together, some of whom may or may not be romantically involved with each other. 

We're finally recognizing that romance isn't the be all and end all of relationships. Now, don't get me wrong here. I love being married. My husband is amazing and I'm thankful for him every day. My romantic love story remains an important part of my life. However, we need to recognize that life can be just as fulfilling without a romantic love story, and that even those in a solid romantic relationship need the different things that a close friendship will give you.

Some people, whether they feel called to celibacy, they identify as aromantic or asexual, or some other reason, will never pursue a romantic relationship. Others will remain open to the idea, and perhaps even have some false starts, but never find someone who's right for them. And not all who find romance get to keep it long term. Not all relationships work out, even if one party is willing to put in the work to try. Once burned, some people are wary of trying again. Others lose their spouses way too young and either never seek another romantic relationship or never find another one.

We need to remember not to look at these people as unfulfilled adults. I am pro-romance, but I am not pro-"romance fulfills everything and makes your life perfect". Even with the very best spouse in the world who is the very best fit for you, you need friends. If you don't have a romantic partner, you need friends even more. If you're part of a couple, great. Don't be an isolated couple turned always toward each other and away from the world. Let the world in. Build a community. Noah and I have actually done a pretty mediocre job at that, what with both being introverts, but we have enough of a community that we've always had people to turn to in times of crisis (like when I was hospitalized when pregnant with Ronia and when I broke my wrist a Ronia's birthday party - anyone sensing a theme here?).

I've built a great online community of fellow writers, mostly women, from around the country and world, and last weekend 14 of us had what you might call an early "Galentines Day" gathering in Nashville. Though most of us were meeting in person for the first time, we chatted, laughed, and cried together like old friends. It was just what my soul needed and I left reenergized for life and writing. While Mr. Engineer is amazing, what he can't give me is any understanding of what it's like to craft a story and send it out to be battered to bits by the publishing industry. These women can.

Whatever your own needs are, don't seek to fulfill all of them in a romantic relationship, whether that's a relationship you're in right now or a future relationship you dream of.  Pursue romance if that's something you desire, but don't let desire for that eclipse every other type of love.

And the greatest love of all? You didn't think I could get through my homily without this, did you?  Is the love of the One who created us and loved us first. The One who loves us even when we insist on turning away from Him time after time. 

On this Valentine's Day, embrace love in all its forms.

With love (but not romantic love unless you're Mr. Engineer),

Misfit Mom

P.S. Mr. Engineer and I bought Valentine cards for each other at different stores at different times, but we managed to choose the same card.