Back in my youth last millennium, when dinosaurs roamed the Earth and we walked uphill both ways to school in a blizzard, Valentine's Day activities fit in one of two categories. There was little kid Valentine's Day and there was couples Valentine's Day. If you were in preschool or elementary school, Valentine's Day was a day to decorate a cardboard "mailbox" and receive cute little valentines and maybe some candy from your classmates. If you were really lucky, the room mom might even organize a party with red punch and heart shaped cookies. Once you left elementary school, Valentines Day was no longer for you until you were part of a couple.
If you don't count one blind double date with a friend, her boyfriend, and her boyfriend's best friend and one guy I asked to a school dance, I didn't date in high school. I had two short lived relationships in college, and neither of them overlapped Valentines Day. That's why I decided to send out the first Valentines email over a quarter century ago, reclaiming the day as a day to celebrate love of all kinds including the love of friends, the love of family, and the love of God.
All these years later it turns out I wasn't so much an outside the box thinker as an ahead of the curve thinker. "Gal-entines Day" and "Pal-entines Day", celebrating friendships between women and friendships in general, respectively, are all the rage now. I have yet to see a "Family-entines Day" ad (how would you make that one rhyme? Fal-entines Day?, but it's probably just a matter of time.
Though our society still puts romantic love up on a pedestal it doesn't really belong on, I'm happy to see attitudes changing to recognize that other relationships are also extremely valuable. I love seeing homecoming and prom pictures that, instead of just a couple, often have groups of friends going together, some of whom may or may not be romantically involved with each other.
We're finally recognizing that romance isn't the be all and end all of relationships. Now, don't get me wrong here. I love being married. My husband is amazing and I'm thankful for him every day. My romantic love story remains an important part of my life. However, we need to recognize that life can be just as fulfilling without a romantic love story, and that even those in a solid romantic relationship need the different things that a close friendship will give you.
Some people, whether they feel called to celibacy, they identify as aromantic or asexual, or some other reason, will never pursue a romantic relationship. Others will remain open to the idea, and perhaps even have some false starts, but never find someone who's right for them. And not all who find romance get to keep it long term. Not all relationships work out, even if one party is willing to put in the work to try. Once burned, some people are wary of trying again. Others lose their spouses way too young and either never seek another romantic relationship or never find another one.
We need to remember not to look at these people as unfulfilled adults. I am pro-romance, but I am not pro-"romance fulfills everything and makes your life perfect". Even with the very best spouse in the world who is the very best fit for you, you need friends. If you don't have a romantic partner, you need friends even more. If you're part of a couple, great. Don't be an isolated couple turned always toward each other and away from the world. Let the world in. Build a community. Noah and I have actually done a pretty mediocre job at that, what with both being introverts, but we have enough of a community that we've always had people to turn to in times of crisis (like when I was hospitalized when pregnant with Ronia and when I broke my wrist a Ronia's birthday party - anyone sensing a theme here?).
I've built a great online community of fellow writers, mostly women, from around the country and world, and last weekend 14 of us had what you might call an early "Galentines Day" gathering in Nashville. Though most of us were meeting in person for the first time, we chatted, laughed, and cried together like old friends. It was just what my soul needed and I left reenergized for life and writing. While Mr. Engineer is amazing, what he can't give me is any understanding of what it's like to craft a story and send it out to be battered to bits by the publishing industry. These women can.
Whatever your own needs are, don't seek to fulfill all of them in a romantic relationship, whether that's a relationship you're in right now or a future relationship you dream of. Pursue romance if that's something you desire, but don't let desire for that eclipse every other type of love.
And the greatest love of all? You didn't think I could get through my homily without this, did you? Is the love of the One who created us and loved us first. The One who loves us even when we insist on turning away from Him time after time.
On this Valentine's Day, embrace love in all its forms.
With love (but not romantic love unless you're Mr. Engineer),
Misfit Mom
P.S. Mr. Engineer and I bought Valentine cards for each other at different stores at different times, but we managed to choose the same card.
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