In Which Both My Kids Are Certain I Love the Other One More

I imagine that parenting an only child has its own challenges. I did get a small taste of that since Squirrelboy was nearly 6 years old by the time Kittygirl was born and desperate for a sibling. However, I contend that parenting multiple kids is its own special version of torture that parents of only children never come close to experiencing. And I only have two kids. I can only attempt to imagine what the people I know who have up to six kids are going through.

It's the duty of every good parent to love all of our kids and do our best not to play favorites. However, from the point of view of our kids, it can all too frequently appear as if we're playing favorites even if all we're really doing is following the schedule that our children's activities set for us. If one or more kid has some type of special need this can get even more complicated.

When Kittygirl was a baby this wasn't so bad. Squirrelboy was going to a tutor on the other side of town 2 -3 afternoons a week for his dyslexia, but she was a pretty mellow baby and didn't mind. When he was still going by the time she was 3 years old it was wearing on me. The place had some toys in the waiting area, but she was tired of all the toys by this point and really wanted to go do something fun. We made the tour of nearby parks, but I was always dragging her away to go get brother when his session ended, usually right after she had made a new friend or found something super awesome to do, so it wasn't nearly as much fun as she wanted it to be. Plus, she was dragged to his ballet classes first once, and then twice a week. When she was old enough to start classes I always tried to find a class that overlapped with one of brother's if possible, which meant she didn't always get her first choice of class time or teacher. She simply did not understand why Squirrelboy took precedent over her.

Fast forward a few  years, and Squirrelboy is the one who is often overlooked, or at least feels like he is. He finished up the tutoring program in the spring of 4th grade, and stopped dancing midway through 5th grade, so his only committments left were scouts (which is Mr. Engineer's territory) and a free homeschool Ultimate frisbee team starting in the spring of 5th grade. Unfortunately for him, the fact that the team was an activity we hadn't paid any money for meant that it occasionally had to come second to one of Kittygirl's activities for which we had paid a lot of money. He could often get rides to and from practices with a neighbor who was also on the team, but occasionally that would fall through and I would have to decide whether to call on Mr. Engineer's help for transport so Squirrelboy could get picked up at practice halfway through Kittygirl's ballet class or tell Squirrelboy that he couldn't attend practice that day. If the latter, he would inevitably rage that it was unfair and that I clearly prioritized Kittygirl's activities over his.

This fall, Squirrelboy  had no regular commitments lined up other than Boy Scouts. He has gotten really into mountain biking, and he said that he would like to be taken to the trails (which are on the other side of town) to ride once a week if possible. The day was totally flexible, and I figured that surely we could work it in some afternoon after school. Kittygirl was "only" going to do gymnastics (one evening a week), girl scouts (twice a month after school), and Cub Scouts (one evening a week). Then I proceeded to make two mistakes (at least from Squirrelboy's point of view). First, I brought Kittygirl to the Open House at the new location our longtime ballet school just moved into. She fell in love with it and decided that she did want to continue ballet after all. She was already signed up for gymnastics and loved it, so I reluctantly agreed to do both. Second, deciding it was my duty due to having more time now that I'm done homeschooling Squirrelboy, I told the Cubmaster of Kittygirl's pack that I was willing to step in as a den leader if they needed one. These two decisions meant that a) Kittygirl has a commitment after school and/or in the evening every weekday and b) I am now busy on Monday evenings, a time at which previously Squirrelboy and I could do something together while Kittygirl and Mr. Engineer were at Cub Scouts. Just to throw in another commitment, I agreed to let Kittygirl sign up for the Girls on the Run program, which has her staying after school until 4pm two days a week. One of those days was, of course, the day we had decided worked best to bring Squirrelboy to the mountain bike trails. Also, due to the schedule from hell for which I have only myself to blame, Kittygirl has ballet at 4:45pm that day. Last week we tried having me pick up Squirrelboy as soon as his school got out, drive him to the other side of town, circle back to Kittygirl's school by 4pm, drive back to get Squirrelboy, and then drive to ballet. That would be an ideal solution, if only it didn't result in Kittygirl being 10 minutes late to ballet. As of this writing, we still haven't found a solution that makes everyone happy.

Balancing kids' schedules and time with kids is difficult in any family. It's extra difficult when there are special needs in the mix. Kittygirl's diabetes sometimes makes us late to stuff. If she has a low or high blood sugar that needs to be addressed just as we're about to walk out the door it can make us late, which really makes Squirrelboy mad. Plus, while I would probably leave a typical 8 year old in ballet class long enough to go pick up her brother at a park 20 minutes away, I'm loath to leave an 8 year old with diabetes just on the off chance she has some kind of diabetes emergency during the 40 minutes I'll be gone. All of this has me frequently attempting to reassure Squirrelboy that I really don't love him less or care about his interests and passions less, I just have to make his sister's health and safety a priority. This reassurance is not generally well received. Partly due to his ADHD and partly due to his personality, Squirrelboy has really big feelings and lets them gain control of him pretty often. My brain is very similar to Squirrelboy's and it happens to me too, so I can sympathize, but it's not the least bit helpful for both of us to get angry and slam doors when the intention is to reassure him that he really is important and loved.

When it comes down to it, I think that deep down both of our kids know that we love them and do our best to give them opportunities to pursue the things they're passionate about. However, that does not stop them from telling us just how we're ruining their lives by prioritizing their sibling at that particular moment.