In Which My Son Does Not Have An Anxiety Disorder (But Sometimes It Feels Like He Does)

People unfamiliar with ADHD often think it's all about being hyperactive and/or not being able to pay attention well. While both of those things can absolutely be part of how ADHD manifests itself, a less well known aspect of ADHD is difficulty with emotional regulation.

While he was a pretty chill baby, since toddlerhood Squirrelboy has been a little more dramatic and moody than the average kid his age, particularly the average boy. In fact, when I was expecting Kittygirl and was told I should prepare myself for the drama of having a girl, I replied that only those who didn't know my son would think I was unfamiliar with drama. It turns out, in fact, that Kittygirl overall has been much less dramatic than her brother was at the same age.

The differences between him and his peers became more obvious as he got older. As most other tweens began to express their emotions more calmly, he was still more likely to have the type of meltdown usually reserved for younger children. Thankfully, these did usually only happen at home. As I've discussed before, his behavior at school was quite good and that normally carried over to any activity outside the home.

For years I felt like his intense reactions to stress and conditions he didn't like might be signs of an anxiety disorder. When we had him evaluated for ADHD, the testing included a full psychological panel. His personal survey did not indicate any signs of anxiety. The parental survey that Mr. Engineer filled out did not indicate any signs of anxiety. The testing did not indicate any signs of anxiety. The only thing that indicated anxiety was the teacher survey I filled out about him.

With those results, I had to reevaluate my instincts. It occurred to me that Squirrelboy's "anxiety" was most likely a difficulty with emotional regulation brought about by ADHD as opposed to a separate disorder. Upon reflection, I recognized that I too have a really difficult time regulating my emotions under extreme stress. This is something that surprised Mr. Engineer after we got married because before that he wasn't with me often enough to see me at my most stressed.

Squirrelboy has learned more emotional regulation skills as he has gotten older, and he's better at it when his brain is more clear due to his medication. He's also better at it, with or without medication, when he's well rested. This has led to some difficult moments near the end of a long vacation, when he's both off his medication and really tired and we're trying to learn the best way to deal with that.

At moments when he is extremely tired and stressed out, however, his brain seems to lose all ability to think logically and he is very likely to say something in anger that would seem ridiculous if he were thinking clearly  (we can all do this, of course, it's just more likely if you have ADHD). Just the other day he was incredibly fed up with the way a group project for English was going and announced that he would "never do a group project again." Sadly, as everyone who has pulled more than their share of the weight on a project for school or work knows, that is not an option.

Looking back at my teenage years, I think I can safely attribute all or most of the ridiculous rages I sometimes threw at home to a combination of teen hormones and ADHD. As I got older, I learned more skills to help me cope and not go crazy at the first sign of stress, but I still have a ways to go, as my family will gladly tell you.

Since, in Squirrelboy's case, we know that part of the reason he acts the way he does when he's tired and stressed is due to the way his brain is wired. Hopefully, armed with that knowledge, we will be able to help him learn to regulate his emotions earlier in adulthood than I did and set him up for success.